I mean, funerals really suck. Probably more for the person in the coffin than you, but let’s look at this from a selfish point of view. Seriously, though, don’t funerals just . . . well, suck? I’ve only been to two funerals in my life (I think . . .) and those were for my grandad and great-grandma. So it’s not like the only funerals I’ve been to were courtesy visits because I bought a cat off them, or something.
And would you like the know what I thought? Funerals are boring, depressing and long. As a matter of fact, I genuinely believe an ice-cream shop well placed next to a cemetery would make a killing.
Anyways, I was watching Outnumbered and the mum was talking about how she laughs at funerals . . . then it hit me – Now, that is something that I would do. That is something that many poor, clueless (watched that movie yesterday – I can’t help loving it. Anyone with me? No? . . . Oh, okay . . .) teenagers would do. I feel like I should take the massive weight of a metaphorical coffin onto my shoulders and educate the youth of today about what not to do at funerals!
This is why you love me, guys.
So, without further ado, I present a small guide to funeral etiquette.
Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Do At Funerals
- Listen to Thriller.
- Conduct satanic rituals to bring the corpse back to life. Which leads me to my next point.
- Don’t act out Thriller either. Bringing dead people back as zombies is bad. You will be eaten.
- Die. It would be a bit rude to steal a dead person’s thunder.
- Go on a killing spree. Yes, Americans I’m talking to you. If you want to shoot out your high school . . . well, obviously don’t, but at least make sure to wait for the funeral to finish. Have a little respect.
- Have a Frankenstein moment and shout “IT WORKED!” before laughing maniacally.
- Get touchy-feely with the corpse. Being forever alone might make you a bit lonely, but that poor dead guy just escaped your clutches . . . leave him alone, okay?
- Propose to your girlfriend.
- With a ring off the corpse’s finger.
- Bring up what a dick the dead dude is. That’s generally not okay . . .
- Fall asleep.
- Fall asleep in the coffin.
- Fall asleep in the coffin and get buried alive.
- Or, worse, cremated.
- Then come back to life.
- As a zombie.
- Or a vampire
- Or just generally anything undead.
- But, if you do have to, make sure to go on a vengeance rant. I mean, not to.
- Don’t massacre a bunch of people.
- Definitely don’t eat the corpse.
- Or the detective that’s inspecting the crime scene.
- Well, that escalated quickly.
- Well, congratulations you’ve ruined the funeral.
- No, don’t eat me.
I got a bit carried away towards the end.