Hello fellow earthlings.
My head and me had this massive argument and I lost. My head is now killing me. Seriously, there must be some Rocky shit going on over here because I’m quite proud of my temples for being able to pound so hard. It’s a shame it’s internal or I could be making money off this. Become a hit man, or a boxer. Heh. It’s pretty much my own fault because I’ve been watching youtube videos on my tablet for a hour or something.
IT WAS WORTH IT.
Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman singing together, insulting each other and just being generally funny? Will I listen to my head and not watch?
Anyways, seeing A few of the other videos (I was just scrolling through my history, okay?) that have basically immobilized me and made me cancel my plans are Tom Fletcher’s wedding speech and The Midnight Beast, you know what I decided?
I can do that.
Then I re-watched Tom Fletcher’s wedding speech, oooh-ed and awww-ed and decided I was going to write my own wedding speech because concentrating pisses off my head. REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOUR AT IT’S BEST, YEP? Cool.
Right, are you ready for my (better and way more romantic) version of the wedding speech? Yep. Hold onto your seats, watch the original and then my version will seem SO MUCH better in comparison.
Pfft. I can beat that. Let me write this like a script:
Mia: *Stands up to make speech and accidentally spills champagne over husband* Oh, sorry babe. Actually I’m not. You can’t go into this marriage with high expectations or you’ll be surprised when you wake up and find me dead on the floor because I accidentally rolled onto the knife I keep under my mattress in case rapists or murderers come into my room at night – AND DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. I watch TV!
*Audience clears throats and waits*
Mia: Just putting it out there. Anyways – do I say anyways too much? I’ve been told I do; anyways – as my husband knows the only nerves I’ve had about this wedding (other than falling into the wedding cake, a crazy axe murderer coming after us, everything going wrong and my runaway bride shoes breaking) is this speech. I can’t do public speaking – public speaking and I are not compatible. Just like public performing and I are not compatible. Like that time I was doing a ballet performance and I fell off the stage. Ha ha.
*Awkward laughter from the audience*
Mia: But I can write a song. So here goes.
*Bruno Mars, Locked Out Of Heaven*
Never had much faith in drugs, or alcohol,
But that’s changed since I can’t remember half of tonight,
Now there’s a fat woman jumping at the door,
So I guess your dads getting laid tonight-igh-ight
So thank you guys for having sex, and
Having my husband, even though he’s cheating on me with a girl named Becks.
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Because he’s working out and he looks kinda hot,
Which is new. Very new. Oh oh ooh oh.
*Fun, We Are Young plays*
Give me a second I need to get my story straight,
I’m trying not to be sick over the front row and I’m higher than the empire state,
Right now I’m thanking my mother, for paying for the open bar,
And my dad for walking me down the aisle,
To make sure I couldn’t run too far,
And I know this is their first wedding,
Seeing as they never bothered with one of their ow-ow-own.
But between the drinks and chicken wings,
And even my escape attempts,
You know, they’re trying hard to help out.
So, if you want to do something useful, I feel like getting out.
And you can carry me home,
Tonigh-igh-igh-ight, is so dumb.
I tried to set the church on fire,
It didn’t work, so I got higher,
So, hubby, by tomorrow I’ll be gone.
Mia: *Ahem* Thank you, mum and dad! Moving on . . .
*Taylor Swift, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together plays*
I really, really fucking hate this song, in fact I,
Remember when we refused to sing along, because like,
There wasn’t a gun to our head, so it wasn’t going to happen
Times like them remind me why we’re friends, honey,
Like earlier when you tried to sneak me out the church,
Sweetie, I love you for that and so much more,
In a not-at-all lesbian way,
Ooooh, we planned it out on the phone last night,
But oooh they stopped us, but I’m telling you,
You are still the best bridesmaid, there’s ever been,
You are still the best bridesmaid there’s ever been.
You go get the car keys, get the gun and the chicken,
And we can run away from these lot.
*Runs and hugs the bridesmaid with tears in both of their eyes*
*Bridesmaid pulls out a gun and drags Mia away from the wedding*
You know my wedding speech is better than Tom Fletcher’s. Happy Hanukkah.